


Oceans Between You and Me

by BastardSirius



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bring Back Black, Cheating, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-31
Updated: 2016-12-31
Packaged: 2018-09-13 18:18:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9135790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BastardSirius/pseuds/BastardSirius
Summary: When they kissed, he understood why Catullus had said that he needed an infinite amount of kisses from his lover. It would never be enough.Inspired by: Oceans by SeafretIt feels like there's oceansBetween me and you once againWe hide our emotionsUnder the surface and tryin' to pretend





	

**Author's Note:**

> I want to write a Chapter 2 to this one, but cannot decide on the ending. The original ending I had in mind was quiet pleasant but after writing this, I wonder if a sad ending makes more sense.

Relationships with family and childhood friends are a peculiar thing. They are those closest to us but often we talk to them the least. Years of living together gives us a familiarity that goes beyond words. Nobody needs to say out loud that Remus likes honey on his toast in the mornings. They have seen it. Nobody needs to say that Sirius loves his brother so much it pains him sometimes. They know it.

The familiarity guides the silent reactions we give to each other. Peter would hand the honeycomb to Remus in the mornings if it was out of the werewolf’s reach without anybody mentioning it. James would offer Sirius a smoke after another row with Regulus in the hallway. They would smoke quietly, and sometimes James would give him a quick but hard hug.

It’s hard for self-aware grown-ups to discuss their feelings and it sure isn’t easy for two teenage boys. So Sirius and Remus didn’t.

Instead, when they argued — after real arguments, the type that affects one to the core, the one where words are spoken that can never be unsaid — they grew distant. They processed their emotions separately. Apologies would be given and accepted but the details would not be discussed. Remus would not tell Sirius that he was made to feel like a worthless animal being chucked aside after he’d told Snape how to get into the Shack and Sirius would not tell Remus that being lied to by his lover hurt more than any punishment his parents had ever given him, including locking him up in a dark cellar for a week.

~*~

**_I want you_ **

**_Yeah I want you_ **

**_And nothing comes close_ **

**_To the way that I need you_ **

**_I wish I can feel your skin_ **

**_And I want you_ **

**_From somewhere within_ **

Sirius was fourteen when they kissed for the first time. Looking back later, they would both see that they had been building up to it but when it happened it shocked both of them. James was at Quidditch practice and Peter out there watching him from the stands. After multiple failed attempts at distracting the light-brown-haired werewolf from his revision, Sirius had settled for sitting in his own bed, doodling on a piece of parchment and watching Remus as he read.

The temperature was an irritating one: It was winter so they were all in sweaters and opening the windows made it too cold, but the room frequently got uncomfortably hot. They would open the window to let air in, then close it when they were cold, then it would get too warm and the cycle would begin again. The werewolf had sweat marks on his armpits when he took off his sweater to reveal his button-up.

If you asked the raven-haired boy, he couldn’t answer what made that precise moment make the werewolf look particularly attractive, but when Remus sighed in relief at the coolness brought by taking off the wool, Sirius felt his body start walking over, and so he let it. He wanted to kiss Remus, so he did. Remus’ hesitation at answering him was brief and soon enough they were kissing, really kissing with passion and nibbles on the other’s lips and tongues darting out to taste the other. They continued kissing after that day, almost every time they were alone.

They didn’t tell the other two Marauders for a while. They didn’t go out of their way to hide it, but neglected to mention it. Sirius didn’t seem keen to kiss or touch in public, which the werewolf took to mean that they would be quiet about this. Remus had the most to lose if anything went wrong or if James and Peter were unhappy about this, so he was relieved when he didn’t have to deal with explaining it. Since they weren’t going out of their way to hide it, eventually the other two found out, but nobody commented on it further than a raised eyebrow or a snort coupled with a dirty joke here and there.

Remus read enough books to have stumbled upon romantic prose. He had read descriptions of love and even lust in various forms. When he was younger - before he started looking at Sirius in a different light, before this _thing_ with Sirius had started - he had thought it an odd thing. Many authors throughout history seemed to describe a similar feeling. The stories might be drastically different, but the feeling of all-consuming, illogical need was present in all of them. He had thought it an exaggeration until it happened to himself. When they kissed, he understood why Catullus had said that he needed an infinite amount of kisses from his lover. It would never be enough.

 

_Quaeris, quot mihi basiationes_

_tuae, Lesbia, sint satis superque._

_quam magnus numerus Libyssae harenae_

_lasarpiciferis iacet Cyrenis_

_oraclum Iovis inter aestuosi_

_et Batti veteris sacrum sepulcrum_

 

The rush he got when their skin touched, when Sirius laughed at a joke he had made, when he woke up and found the dark-haired boy nuzzling against his neck — when they were together in any way was unlike anything he had ever imagined feeling. One night, after they had come rubbing against each other, he had found himself thinking that if it meant he got to do _this_ , that he was interesting enough for Sirius, maybe being a werewolf had been worth it. It had been the after-glow talking, he told himself later, but it was still a scary thought to have had, especially less than a month after they had started doing this. Even the most poorly-written romances he’d read didn’t develop this fast.

_~*~_

**_It feels like there's oceans_ **

**_Between me and you once again_ **

When Sirius went on his first date after they had started kissing, he felt a pang of jealousy but figured it made sense if they were going to be private. After all, if Ladies’ Man Sirius Black stopped dating at the same time they had started spending more time together, people would put two and two together quite quickly. Remus pushed down the uncomfortable feelings Sirius’ dating was causing him and willed himself to never look at the Map during Sirius’ nights out. He didn’t want to know where he took his dates. The less he knew, the less he could bitterly imagine as he laid down alone in his bed.

It went on for a long while - almost four months. Then one night, when Sirius was out on a date, the rest of the Marauders went out to set up a prank that they hadn’t managed to finish during the day. They needed to charm a few more statues to get the effect they really wanted. After a quick glance at the Map, they hadn’t bothered checking it again so were all caught by surprise when they heard the unmistakeable “thud” of a heavy object falling down. Worried about getting caught, they rushed into the first door they saw, which happened to be an old, small room. They had hid there a few times before and except for the dust, it was a good hiding spot. Unfortunately, none of them had realized that the noise had actually come from inside this exact room. It didn’t take them long to figure it out though when they saw a shirtless Sirius wrapped around Gary Diggory who was similarly lacking in clothing and had one of his hands in the other boy’s trousers. They were so caught up in their act, it took them several seconds to snap out of it. When they did, Gary’s eyes grew wide and he snatched back his hand immediately, blushing. Sirius just gave the Marauders a shit-eating grin and raised an eyebrow. He didn’t look Remus in the eyes, but didn’t seem to be actively avoiding him either, or embarrassed at all about his position.

The werewolf blinked slowly several times and schooled his face to look a mixture of indifference and amusement. He joined James’ comments about being scarred for life seeing Sirius get his cock handled, and they left the boys ‘to their fun’ as Peter put it.

He didn’t know what he had believed until then that Sirius did on his dates, but it wasn’t this. He didn’t think Sirius was actually doing anything remotely as intimate as that - he had doubted that Sirius had even been snogging anyone, not with the lust that he’d shown just then with Diggory. That he showed with Remus often when they were alone in his bed.

Diggory was handsome, Remus knew. More handsome than Remus at any rate. It made sense for Sirius to want him. Diggory was the chaser for Ravenclaw and was good-looking in a different way than the raven-haired Marauder. Sirius had a chiseled face; high cheek-bones and sharp - if delicate - edges. Diggory was fresh-faced, his soft features making him look sweet and welcoming. If Sirius was the Bad Boy, Diggory was the Boy Next Door.

 _Match made in heaven, really,_ Remus thought bitterly.

The next day Remus tried to act normal, but found that he couldn’t. Whenever Sirius approached him and they almost touched - even in small ways as their shoulders brushing during breakfast - the taller boy leapt away from the touch as if it burned him.

Sirius, undeterred, kept coming to his bed and kissing him. The werewolf didn’t complain but his response was cold and distant. He would half-heartedly kiss Sirius back and they even got each other off one time but Remus’ mechanical, indifferent reaction to even his own orgasm made Sirius finally stop and ask what was wrong.

“Nothing,” Remus replied innocently, and cast a quick Tergeo on both of their torsos.

“Come on Moony, you’ve been so distant…”

Remus shrugged. “I don’t know what to tell you, Padfoot. I just had my hand on your knob, not sure how much closer we can be.”

Sirius wanted to prod further but didn’t. He didn’t leave the werewolf’s bed and held him as they spooned but somehow, even with his bare chest pushing against Remus’ shirt he felt far away from the boy in his arms. There was an unspoken barrier between them that had not been there since before they had found out about Remus’ lycanthropy years ago, and he didn’t know what had brought it back. The warm teenager in his arms felt cold and distant.

**_We hide our emotions_ **

**_Under the surface and tryin' to pretend_ **

It didn’t take long for the rest of the Marauders to sense the tension between Sirius and Remus. Peter asked both boys gently when they were alone, but neither answered. Finally, almost a month after Remus had walked in on Sirius and Diggory, James felt the need to intervene when Sirius was talking to a pretty blonde from Hufflepuff after dinner.

“Wouldn’t that be nice, Jessy?” Sirius asked, giving her his trademark half-grin.

“Mary,” she replied but didn’t look unhappy as she smiled back with slightly colored cheeks. Sirius had asked her about going to Hogsmeade that weekend.

“Mary,” Sirius repeated, voice too sure of itself for somebody who had just called the girl they were hitting on by the wrong name, “You have such beautiful eyes.” He didn’t bother apologizing.

“Persephone said when you two had a date you didn’t even make it to Puddifoot’s and then you didn’t speak to her again,” she said quickly, then clasped a hand onto her mouth, her eyes wide as if she couldn’t believe what she’d just said. She looked down in embarrassment.

Sirius brought his grin down to a small smile. He took her chin and gently made her look up to him. “I wouldn’t do that to _you_ , Mary,” he said with a fake earnestness that James could not believe she wasn’t seeing through. She opened her mouth to reply.

“Padfoot!” James called out as he walked the last few steps to be right beside his friend, “I’ve been looking for you, come here.”

Sirius raised an eyebrow but didn’t look away from Mary. “Bit busy here, mate.”

“We need to go,” James replied simply and started dragging Sirius from his collar. Sirius scowled but followed him, straightening his robe.

“See you soon!” he called, glancing back at the Hufflepuff girl.

“He won’t!” James called cheerfully, earning another scowl from his friend.

Once they were out of ear-shot and with the two other Marauders, James smacked Sirius on the back of his neck.

“Oi! What was that for?”

“You’re being an arse to Moony.”

Another frown. “What?” He looked over at the werewolf who did indeed seem very peeved.

“You were being an arse,” Remus repeated coldly.

“What did I do?”

“Grubber,” Remus growled and pointed in the general direction of the girl Sirius had been flirting with.

“You never said I couldn’t,” Sirius replied with a pout. He got another smack to the back of his head from James.

“Fuck you, Black,” Remus sighed, surprisingly calm, and walked away. They didn’t talk about it again.

Although he didn’t apologize, Sirius did stop dating other people, and toned down his flirting as well. He had decided that annoying Remus was too big a price to pay for the thrill he got from being with others. Eventually, they went back to how they were: Happily kissing and grinding against each other every chance they got.

~*~

**_But it feels like there's oceans_ **

**_Between you and me_ **

“It feels like he’s not there, even when we’re in the same room,” Sirius whispered to James, running his hands through his hair and looking at the floor as if it was a particularly difficult potions problem.

“He’ll come around, Padfoot,” he responded quietly. It had been almost a month. James and Sirius had fought several times, both of them ending up in the hospital wing twice in the first week after ‘It’ as they called the incident. They couldn’t put it into words.

“How?” Sirius asked and looked up at his brother, eyes stinging with unshed tears.

James shrugged. He didn’t have a good enough answer. “He will,” he insisted, and handed Sirius another cigarette to replace the one in his hands that was almost all ash, barely smoked.

Sirius kept looking at the werewolf who was studying less than twenty feet from them, poring over a NEWT-level Arithmancy book (Beyond the Number: Misconceptions in Arithmancy). If he wanted to, he could walk over and close that distance between them. He could get close enough to sit next to Remus, their legs touching - he could even grab his hand, if the other boy let him. But he knew that the real distance between them wasn’t the physical gap that separated them.

**_I want you_ **

**_And I always will_ **

**_I wish I was worth_ **

**_But I know what you deserve_ **

It took exactly two months and three days for Remus to start looking at Sirius without an indifferent mask painted on his face. Sirius knew, because he had been counting. When Remus smirked at a joke Sirius made about Professor Slughorn’s hair, Sirius beamed as he hadn’t since It. He felt like a fog was lifted and he could finally breathe again.

Deep down, both boys knew that it was wrong. Wrong in the sense that it would not make either of them truthfully happy. They would inevitably hurt each other again. Remus was a skinny, poor werewolf who would stay that way as long as he lived because of what the wizarding society had in store for him when he left Hogwarts. Sirius was an insatiable flirt who would always put himself and James before anybody else, consequences be damned. In fact, consequences didn’t even occur to him until after they happened. Neither of them deserved the heartache and hardship they would cause each other.

But loving Sirius was ingrained within Remus so deeply that he wasn’t sure he could ever untangle himself from it, even if he wanted to. And he didn’t. So he forgave him.

He smiled at the raven-haired boy and let his anger drift into the back of his mind, to be replaced by pleasant thoughts of sweet nothings being whispered in the darkness of their dormitory and other - much rowdier - acts.

~*~

**_You know I'd rather drown_ **

**_Than to go on without you_ **

**_But you're pulling me down_ **

The light bulb in their hallway blew up and Remus was breathing heavily, eyes lit up in anger but no words coming out of his mouth. The crinkling sound of the bulb hadn’t even made Sirius blink. He was too angry to be distracted, even though it had been the taller boy’s emotional slip that had brought about the demise of the bulb.

“ANSWER ME!” Sirius shouted, but did not repeat what he had said before. Even un-repeated, the word lingered between them, as if it had somehow taken physical form as soon as it had been uttered. It stood like a fog between them.

_Werewolf._

He had said it with spite and accusation, not casually or jokingly or with care like he had had many times before. It hadn’t been ‘We don’t care if you’re a werewolf, Remus, you’re our friend’ or ‘Did you get all the signs of recognizing a werewolf on the test, Moony?’. It had been ‘Tell me where you’ve been, _werewolf’._

“I already did,” Remus said through gritted teeth, “I’ve been on Order business.” His ears were pounding and he could feel his heartbeat on his throat.

“Bollocks!” Sirius roared back, voice breaking, “You haven’t been to an Order meeting in two months!”

“Not every member comes to all the meetings. There are some who haven’t been at all, actually…” Remus’ voice had calmed down slightly and he looked sideways as if he was thinking of a particular incident or person as he spoke.

“And how would _you_ know?” Sirius had lowered his voice now but his tone was still poisonous.

“I go on more remote missions, you know that,” Remus replied, not meeting Sirius’ eyes. The words were paining him to say. They were true, but he couldn’t say even half of what he wanted to share with Sirius and that in itself felt like a lie. He hadn’t lied to his friends in so long, and even if it was for their own safety, it left a bad taste in his mouth to do it now.

“I noticed,” Sirius said bitterly. That’s how this fight had started, after all. Because the light-brown haired boy never seemed to be home anymore. He had been gone during full moon again.

Remus sighed, feeling defeated. “Sirius I can’t tell you what I’ve been doing, you know that,” he said and finally met his boyfriend’s eyes, silently begging him to calm down. After a long while - almost a minute - of silence, Sirius’ shoulders dropped and he let out an involuntary hiss, breath escaping through his teeth as his jaw was clenched shut. He wasn’t calm, but he was prepared to drop the subject for now.

 _I can’t do this any more,_ Sirius thought as he looked at his boyfriend’s mesmerizing amber eyes, _We have to stop this. I’m too vulnerable._ He needed Remus with every fiber of his being, and that was exactly why he had to get away. He wondered if this was what alcoholics feel when they decide to give up drinking and have to walk away from an alluring glass of Firewhiskey.

**_It feels like there's oceans_ **

**_Between you and me once again_ **

**_We hide our emotions_ **

**_Under the surface and try to pretend_ **

**_But it feels like there's oceans_ **

**_Between you and me_ **

Sirius flicked his wand and murmured a quick ‘Reparo’ to fix the damage he had done to the wall, and another for the light bulb. They went into the kitchen and ate their now-cold dinner. They spoke just enough for it not to be awkward, but there was no idle chatter, no crossword solving out loud, no cuddling and definitely no sex. None of their usual welcome-home habits.

Remus went to bed first, exhausted. Sirius came in almost two hours later and the bed shifting with his weight woke Remus up. For a second he panicked, almost reaching out for his wand before he remembered that he was back home. He relaxed as his lover’s familiar smell filled his nose. He didn’t move, although he was sure Sirius must know that he’s awake. They laid down quietly, neither speaking up but listening to the other’s breathing. They had their backs to each other and their spines were touching just barely.

Unspoken words weighed down the air around them. They were both hurting, and did not know how to fix it.

_Have you turned on us because of the new legislation against werewolves?_

_Have you started suspecting me because I am a werewolf?_

_Are you cheating on me?_

_When did you stop loving me?_

_When did you stop loving me?_

_I don’t know what to do._

The room was silent except for the gentle spring wind that was causing a branch to tap their window every now and again. They both stared at the walls in front of them, eyes burning but no tears forming. They are twenty-one and they do not know how to fix this, how to get rid of this tension and misery that has become their new normal.

~*~

**_I want you_ **

**_I want you_ **

**_And always will_ **

When Sirius came to Remus’ doorstep, the first thing he said was “Is this OK?” in a hoarse whisper.

Surprised, Remus blinked slowly a few times before nodding. Sirius hugged him desperately, and both men were grateful that they had more time for the touch than they had had in the Shack.

“Maybe a shower, and some food?” Remus said, gently getting out of the embrace.

A few days later, while Remus was trying to enlarge the fire in the fireplace without burning anything around it, Sirius sat down next to him and asked “Can I kiss you?”

The werewolf paused, put his wand down and looked at the ex-convict as if he had been asked a mathematical question and he was trying to add and subtract in his head before answering. He gave Sirius a small smile, which was all the encouragement the other man needed to lean in and give him a tentative, soft brush of the lips. Remus pressed back to turn it into a real kiss. Soon enough they were moaning into each other’s mouths and Sirius reached for Remus’ shirt button.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Remus gasped and put his hand on top of Sirius’, stopping it.

“Sorry I kissed you, Moony. I needed — I needed to know that it was real. I have so many memories mixed in my mind… I had to know.” As he spoke, Sirius walked towards the bathroom.

“I didn’t know your memory was that bad,” Remus replied, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion. Sirius hadn’t shown any signs of memory loss although he was sure some had happened in the twelve years since they had been together last.

“My memories, they — ” Sirius started, then paused. He didn’t turn around to face the other man, but the sag of his shoulders told Remus all he needed to know. “They are tainted, is the best way I can think of how to put it.” A dark chuckle. “You were the one who had a way with words, not me.”

“It was real. Us,” the werewolf said quietly, somehow needing to say it out loud as if to prove it to himself as well, even though the passionate kiss should have been enough confirmation for either man.

“And you still want me?” he asked with a shaky voice, then before Remus could answer, he continued, “Don’t answer that. That was a stupid question. I keep forgetting how long it has been, how much has changed…”

Remus walked over and kissed Sirius again, short and sweet this time, with less passion but more emotion somehow. “Of course I want you. I’ll _never_ not want you.”

~*~

**_It feels like there's oceans_ **

**_Between you and me_ **

When Sirius came back from the veil on an unusually cold May afternoon, his first thought was “Harry” and second “Remus”. Without thought, he apparated close enough to Grimmauld to not set off any wards. He transformed into Padfoot and ran to the house with all the energy he suddenly had in him after almost two years of a death-like, drowsy existence.

 _Death-like, great one, Sirius,_ he told himself sarcastically, _Don’t use that one when you tell Moony._

After several days of interrogations, different spells and potions used on him to attempt to reveal if he was an impostor or had been cursed or harmed in any way, Sirius was allowed to finally roam the house. Somehow, the few days locked inside his old room had felt longer than the time he had been away. About two years, they had told him, not giving him an exact date. He had asked about Remus several times, but nobody had answered until finally Tonks told him in an odd voice “On a mission.” He hair was an odd shade, like greying black hair and Sirius wondered why his favorite cousin wasn’t a bit more cheerful about his return from Hades’ arms. He had out-right asked her once, during an interrogation with Moody, when she was standing by the door with a stern face and her face had paled. She hadn’t answered.

It didn’t dawn on him until Remus came to the house. He looked worn and had more cuts on him than Sectumsempra would have caused. They looked like they had been tended to with magic, that certain movement of skin still present as the magic worked to heal the wounds that cut too deep to be handled quickly.

 _A bad transformation_ , Sirius thought instantly and walked over to the limping werewolf who was looking at him with an expression that after decades of knowing the man he somehow still could not read. Either it was a new one, or Sirius had forgotten. If he had to guess, Sirius would say miserable with a touch of happiness, the way somebody might look if they finally ended an abusive relationship.

“Moony,” he called to him, now only two feet separating them, and grinned in spite of his lover’s expression. He couldn’t help but smile around Remus, it had always been that way.

“Padfoot,” Remus answered, voice hoarse. He blinked two slow, deliberate times, willing the tears away.

“Merlin, I’ve missed you,” Sirius whispered and held Remus. The hug was gentle as he knew he was still in pain from the transformation. He ignored the way Remus stiffened underneath his fingers. He knew he shouldn’t move this quick - he was a ghost come to life, after all, he should have given the man some time to adjust. The others had informed Sirius that Remus’ mission was too delicate to disturb and that he would not be informed of anything until he returned. Sirius had agreed so knew that the werewolf had only just found out about his being alive.

After two solid minutes, Sirius finally pulled back. “Let’s get you to bed,” he said as he grabbed Remus’ back and put his hand underneath his arm, by his chest - a wince from Remus confirmed rib injuries. He waited for the werewolf to move so they could walk, but the movement didn’t come.

“Sirius, we need to talk,” said Remus, then started coughing until a few drops of blood appeared on his arm that he had been using to cover his mouth.

“Not now, cub,” Sirius told him gently and started almost-rubbing Remus’ side, ghosting the motions just above his robes so as to not cause him pain. “Now you need tea and sleep. Let’s go to bed.”

“Sirius I — ” the tired man started, then looked up at Sirius with a clear expression: Regret and longing. Sirius thought back to all the times he had apologized to Remus in the past, and wondered if this was what he had looked like.

“You what?”

“I’m with someone else.” Remus looked away, then closed his eyes and gulped. His throat was burning with more than the soreness brought on by his latest transformation.

There was a long silence. Sirius didn’t let Remus go. “You thought I was dead,” Sirius said in the end, “Doesn’t change the fact that you need rest.” He flicked his wand and a cup of tea started floating next to them. “Off to bed with you. You can use one of the de-cursed guest rooms.”

Remus looked up at Sirius with a quiet, sad gratefulness.

Sirius understood what had happened before they were even at the edge of the stairs. Tonks and Remus. After a long while of trying, Tonks had finally gotten what she had wanted. Sirius glanced at the werewolf leaning into his touch for support as they walked up the stairs and wondered when Remus had started feeling differently about her.

When she had clumsily flirted with him before, he had brushed her off without offending with ease, and had not seemed at all interested back. And after she had caught the two of them kissing, she had stopped going after him. She must have started again after he was gone. He wondered how long she had waited.

He took off Remus’ robes and laid the werewolf, who now had only a t-shirt and pants on, down onto the bed. Remus didn’t protest when Sirius adjusted the pillows and put a warming charm on the blanket before putting it over him. He just looked at Sirius with love. Sadness too, a lot of it, but affection was the emotion standing out.

Sirius sat on the edge of the bed and stayed until he heard his lover’s — his ex-lover’s — breathing calm down, showing that he had drifted off to sleep. He got up after that, and stood next to the bed, close to Remus’ face. He watched for a while, trying to make out all the new scratches and scars, trying to memorize the sight of him. There was a time he knew everything about the man, but now he had changed once again and Sirius had more features to memorize. He wondered if he would ever get a chance to see Remus sleeping again. His eyes filled with tears and he let them out, trying to keep his breathing quiet so as to not wake the other man. He didn’t know how long he stayed there but it had been a while after his tears dried up when he noticed Remus’ eyes moving under his eyelids and breath quickening slightly; all indications of the man waking up. He took a deep breath and walked out of the room as silently as he could.

Tonks seemed ever-so-slightly more relaxed around Sirius after that. When she arrived, she had first gone to see Remus and later come back to the kitchen with a slight smile directed at Sirius.

“Hey cousin,” she’d said, voice too-normal after the cold treatment she had given him earlier.

“You have a baby,” he had whispered in return, staring at the newborn in her arms whose hair was mostly blue with patches of brown at the moment. He could tell he had inherited his mother’s abilities as the shades of his hair changed like ripples in water.

She had blushed, looking down at her right foot which was scraping the floor nervously. She bit her lip before saying “Yeah.” Then she had started, with a pleading voice “Sirius I never—”

But Sirius had cut her off with a laugh. “You don’t need to explain to _me_ why you have a child, Tonks.” His voice had not been unkind.

After that they acted around each other the way they always had, except Tonks and Sirius had switched places. Now it was Tonks that got to hold Remus’ hand as he was poring over research for the Order in the Black library, and it was Sirius who looked across the room, pining. They still joked around and talked like before. They being Tonks and Sirius. Remus mostly looked uncomfortable but then again the werewolf had always acted as if skin was just a little too tight on his body, as if he didn’t fit quite right in any room. Except for when he was alone with the Marauders or Sirius of course, but that would never happen again.

Remus had been strongly against moving back to Grimmauld place but Moody had insisted that it was the safest and Molly, surprisingly, had commented that Sirius needed Remus there for the sake of everyone’s sanity. So, on a warm summer day, the Lupin family moved in. They started having breakfast, lunch and dinner together. Sirius even helped with Teddy regarding diaper changes and sprog-amusement-duties as he called it. They settled into a peculiar routine, comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time. They developed habits that came easy; Tonks always made the eggs if she was there because she was the best flipper and Sirius brought them all tea every afternoon around four. Tonks took care of Teddy on full moon nights and Sirius did the day after, so Tonks could tend to Remus’ wounds. And yet, underneath the comfort of familiarity, unexpressed emotions and silent sentences hung onto them like thick robes in winter.

Tonks pretended not to notice when the first word Remus uttered as she helped him up after every transformation was “Sirius”.

Sirius pretended he didn’t want to punch the table and break it every time Tonks gave Remus a peck on the cheek or lips when they sat down for food.

Remus pretended Tonks wasn’t miserable living in the same house with his ex-lover, the man she knew for a fact he was in love with more than he could ever be with another person. That her hair seemed in a permanent state of sad brown since Sirius had come back from beyond the veil.

It was one of the nights when Tonks was out on a mission and Teddy was sleeping for the time being. Sirius walked into the library with two cups of tea and Remus accepted his with a smile.

Sometimes, when they were alone and Remus was wrapped up in his work like this, they would look at each other the way they were now. No immediate breaking of eye contact, no tears forming in their eyes, no fear. Just a loving look.

When Remus had taken the tea, smiling and thanking Sirius, he had forgotten for a moment that they weren’t what they used to be. He had been reading about a nasty, contagious Giant ailment that had a cure but the key ingredient for the potion was strictly controlled by the ministry. So when Sirius waved the cup at him, his brain didn’t think of anything that had happened in the past few years. It only thought ‘ _Sirius is here, and he has tea. He deserves a kiss for that, he always knows when I need one. This illness sounds horrible on the poor Giants_ ’.

The moment was gone almost as soon as it came, however. Within seconds, Remus looked away, remembering everything they weren’t now, and went back to work. The room was heavy with unspoken words and Sirius, looking at the now-greying light-brown hair of the man he loved, was reminded of the times past when it had felt like this. When they had been in the same room, yet worlds apart at the same time. He could think of at least a few fights that had ended with a state like this.

Except now, there was no apologizing to come back from this. There was no explaining it away. There was no course of action that ended up with them together again. The distance between them would never close, and it made his heart ache.

As if he had been thinking the same, Remus suddenly stopped writing and put his quill down, his expression somber. He kept looking at the parchment before him, eyes not moving, and Sirius knew that he was calculating what he was about to say or do. With patience that he’d never had as a young man, Sirius waited.

Remus turned to Sirius after a while, and for a moment Sirius thought the other man was going to walk over and kiss him.

“You’ve never asked me about Nymphadora,” Remus said slowly, watching Sirius’ eyes as if he was searching them, rather than looking at Sirius.

“What about her?” Sirius asked, faking ignorance and trying with all his might to not sound bitter.

“How — Why we got together.”

Sirius shrugged. “Does it matter?”

“I suppose it doesn’t,” the werewolf agreed and looked down at the floor before looking back up at Sirius’ face.

“Do you want me to?” Sirius continued, “Because I don’t mind — in fact I like — having you here but I think talking about your love life might be a bit much.” It was Sirius who looked away this time.

“Sometimes I do,” Remus said quietly, “Sometimes I want to tell you exactly how it happened. I think I’m naive, I think it will make me feel less guilty.”

“I told Tonks already: You don’t need to explain anything to me. I was gone for two years.”

“You’ve spoken to Tonks about this?” Remus sounded genuinely surprised.

“Sort of. I just told her she didn’t have explaining to do.”

“That’s very un-Sirius-like of you,” Remus replied with a sad smile.

“What can I say, I’ve grown softer in my old age.” Sirius shot back a matching sad smile at the werewolf. “Wiser.”

“‘Wiser’ would indicate that there was wisdom there to begin with,” Remus joked, his smile widening into an almost-happy one.

“Funny, Lupin,” Sirius replied almost-cheerfully.

They looked at each other silently for a while, smiling.

Remus took a step forward, closing some of the distance between them, and looked as if he was about to say something. Then his smile was wiped away and he looked at the floor. “Teddy,” he said sadly.

“Teddy,” Sirius agreed.

**_I want you_ **

**_Yeah I want you_ **

**_And nothing comes close_ **

**_To the way that I need you_ **

**_I wish I can feel your skin_ **

**_And I want you_ **

**_From somewhere within_ **


End file.
